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 3-07-02

Thoughts, tools and friendly diversions for busy people

 


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Medieval Influence On Our Life & Language

 

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Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and were still smelling pretty good by June, although they were starting to smell; so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the B.O.

 

 

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Baths equaled a big tub filled with hot water.  The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children -- last of all, the babies.  By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

 

 

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Houses had thatched roofs.  Thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath.  It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the pets...dogs, cats and other small animals, mice, rats, bugs lived on the roof.  When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.  Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs"

 

 

 

bed.jpg (16553 bytes)There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.  This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed, so they found if they made beds with big posts and hung a sheet over the top, it addressed that problem -- hence those beautiful big 4 poster beds with canopies.

 

 

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The floor was dirt.  Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor."

 

 

 

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The wealthy had slate floors, which in the winter would get slippery when wet.  So they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing.  As the winter wore on they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside.  A piece of wood was placed at the entryway, hence a "thresh hold."

 

 

 

They cooked in the kitchen in a big kettle that always hung over the fire.  Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot.  They mostly ate vegetablespot.jpg (332915 bytes) and didn't get much meat.  They would eat the stew for dinner leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.  Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been in there for a month.  Hence the rhyme: peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

 

 

 

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Sometimes they could obtain pork and would feel really special when that happened.  When company came over, they would bring out some bacon and hang it to show it off.  It was a sign of wealth and that a man "could really bring home the bacon."

 

 

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They would
cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and
"chew the fat."

 

 

 

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Those with money had plates made of pewter.   Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach into the food.   This happened most often with tomatoes, so they stopped eating tomatoes...for 400 years.

 

 

 

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Most people didn't have pewter plates, but had trenchers:  a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl.  Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms got into the wood.  After eating off wormy trenchers, they would get "trench mouth."

 

 

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Bread was divided according to status.  Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the "upper crust."

 

 

 

wake2.jpg (19393 bytes)Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey.  The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days.  Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.  They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."

 

 

 

England is old and small and they started running out of places to bury people.  So they would dig up coffins, take their bones to a house and reuse the grave.  In grave.jpg (162927 bytes)reopening these coffins, one out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.  So they thought they would tie a string on their wrist and lead it through the coffin and up through the ground libertyb.thm.jpg (4246 bytes)and tie it to a bell.  Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night to listen for the bell.  Hence on the "graveyard shift" they would know that someone was "saved by the bell" or he was a "dead ringer."

 


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Tech support in Medieval times


"Merlin, Inc. technical support. How may I help you?"

"Yesterday I bought one of your swords..."

"Congratulations, sir, you've made the right choice!"

"It doesn't work."

"What do you mean - it doesn't work?"

"It doesn't cut the dragon's head."

"Have you read the manual, sir?"

"My armour- bearer has read it to me aloud twice."

"Well, sir. Have you taken the sword out of the sheath?"

"Yes."

"Is that really so? Check it again, please."

"I've done it, I say to you!"

"Okay, sir. Now check the edge sharpness."

"Ouch!" "You shouldn't do it with your finger, sir."

"What thinger? I did it with my phongue! I always check the sharpness of my food like that."

"You see, sir, a sword has a bit different construction than food. In this case the term 'sharp' means....

"I'm not obliged to know technical terms! I'm a user, not a hardware specialist.

"Yes sir. Did it work before?"

"I don't know, I bought it only yesterday!"

"Okay, sir. Have you done anything with it?"

"No!"

"Are you sure?"

" I only took it out of the sheath."

"Did you try to grind it yourself?"

"No"

"Did  you try  to install new spells on it?"

"No, I used the default ones, which are supplied with the sword!"

"Why  are you panting sir?"

"Because the dragon is chasing me!"

"Oh, so the dragon is near you?"

"Yes, he is QUITE near!"

"Excellent, sir! Give him the receiver."

"And what if he bites my arm off?"

"Sorry sir, medical issues are beyond our competence."

"Next time I'll buy a sword of Morgana, Ltd.!" 4025351.jpg (36931 bytes)

"Well... okay, sir.

Describe how the dragon looks."

"Well, he is ... yellow... with a red moustache..."

"It's clear now. It's a non-licensed dragon, a Chinese counterfeit."

"And?"

"Read the license agreement, sir. Merlin, Inc. doesn't guarantee any compatibility with non-certified devices."

"And what shall I do?"

"Don't use cheap no-name dragons anymore, sir."

Aaagh! No! Aaaaarrrgghhh!!!!..."

"Sir? Sir, are you okay?... Well, in any case, Merlin, Inc. thanks you for your business."

 

 

 

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Click here to try your hand at being a medieval doctor.

 

h_btrfly.gif (2960 bytes)Click her to see how many of the medieval hats you can match to their wearers

 

 

 

 

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madmon_sidebar.jpg (15430 bytes)Ckick to read about

The Crazy Kings

Ivan the Terrible, King George III...

They're all here

 

 

 

Southern Squires

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the kingdoms had been fighting over for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.

The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight.

The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had 5 squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food.

The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle.

At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.

When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in).

The battle raged, and when the dust cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms.

This proves that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

 


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