 There was a man who entered a local
paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the
puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak
were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all
that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
There was once a wise man who
loved a beautiful maiden, but she lived in a marsh where his car always got stuck and,
besides, her father had a gun, so he never did get close enough to tell her of his
passion. However, she had a more energetic suitor who purchased amphibious tires for his
car and, when her father was asleep, speedily carried her off.
Moral: Treads rush in where wise
men fear to fool.
A lion was prancing through the
jungle one day, roaring at the top of his voice for all to hear: "I am king of the
jungle, for my mighty strength and lion-like prowess strikes fear into all other
creatures!"
An eagle lands on a nearby tree
branch and says, "Not so fast, Leo buddy!" the eagle calls. "For it is *I*
who is the rightful king of the jungle, as my wings enable me to attack from above, and my
beak and talons rip my victims to shreds!"
Whereupon a skunk walks calmly
out of the trees. Approaching the ferocious feline and fearful flighted one, he meekly
says, "You're BOTH wrong! Needing neither fight nor flight, I disable my would-be
opponents most skillfully! Wanna sniff?"
And the three animals engage in a
heated argument over who is the rightful king of the jungle. While they argue, oblivious
to their surroundings, a huge grizzly bear walks up and eats them all - hawk, lion, and
stinker.
One day, an elderly woman was
walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was
especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that
she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching
muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner
himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies,
"Well, sonny, I can't
remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger."
The owner replies, "Well,
let's see... Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do
you prefer?"
The lady has some trouble
explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear
of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color sonny."
To which Nathan replies,
"Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue
one?"
"No son, I want this
color."
"But ma'am, they didn't make
that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?" says the owner, obviously worried
about losing a sale.
By this time, the old lady gets
mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and
into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the
disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.
The secretary replies,
"Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"
What do you call three rabbits in
a row, hopping backwards simultaneously?
A receding hareline.
Show me where Stalin's buried and
I'll show you a communist plot.
Show me a famous composer's
liquor cabinet and I'll show you Beethoven's Fifth.
Tibetan housewife upon entering
her smoke-filled kitchen: "Oh, my baking yak!"
Show me the first president's
dentures, and I'll show you the George Washington Bridge.
A man recently invented a knife
that cuts four loaves of bread simultaneously. He calls his invention a four-loaf cleaver.
Santa's helpers are subordinate
clauses.
Modern philosophy: I'm pink;
therefore, I'm Spam.
Two peanuts were walking in
Central Park, one was assaulted.
As the great Jedi English teacher
was quoted in saying, "metaphors be with you."
If I hated my house and fell in
love with my office building, would that be an edifice complex?
Two molecules are walking down
the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you
alright?"
"No I lost an
electron!"
"Are you sure"
"I'm positive !"
A group of chess enthusiasts had
checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to
disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he
said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A doctor made it his regular
habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of
his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon,
as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out
of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts
and set it on the bar.
The doctor came in at his regular
time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri,
doc."
A hungry African lion was roaming
through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting
under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion
quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the king of the jungle knows
that readers digest and writers cramp.
A guy goes to a psychiatrist.
"Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm
a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with
me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
A man goes to his dentist because
he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new
upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"
The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some
asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so
much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything."
"Well," says the
dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon
juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new
plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient. To which
the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome
for the Hollandaise!"
An Indian chief had three wives,
each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built
her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy.
The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave
birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two
story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. He challenged the tribe to guess what had
occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully.
Finally, one young brave declared
that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.
"Correct," said the
chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior answered, "It's elementary.
The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other
two hides."
Very early one morning two birds
are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So...
the one flies over and the other one swims through - which one gets to the worm first?
The one who swam, of course,
because "da oily boid gets da woim" |
Online Games for Librarians
At the reference desk, the librarian must be ready to answer hundreds of
questions coming from all directions. This list of sample "Can you help me?"
questions will give you some idea what this job is like.
If teachers
taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a
humanitarian eat? 
