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   5-2-02

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mommy.jpg (57925 bytes)The Mommy Olympics
By Loretta Casteen

 

 

 

The Company's Coming Super Cleanup Championship-
The titleholder is Christine Johnson of Buchwald Connecticut. Christine successfully transformed her home from chaos to presentable in exactly 6 minutes 14.5 seconds. Her ingenious ploy of hiding dirty dishes in the oven, the dumping of toys, papers and other miscellaneous household debris into the bathtub and pulling the shower curtain, as well as her astute use of low lighting and room deodorizer, in conjunction with the judicious closing of bedroom doors, made her unbeatable in this event.

 

Power Showering-
The champion is Mary Higginbottom of Oak Park Oregon. Mary, the mother of 3 pre-school age children, was able to strip, jump into the shower, wash and shampoo in 46 seconds flat. She was so fast, her children didn't even realize she was missing and no household disasters occurred during the entire process. (Extra points were awarded for this.)

 

Art Project Completion Contest-
The hands-down winner was Earline Howard of Littleville, Florida. Earline was able to construct an amazingly realistic version of the Eiffel Tower using only Dixie cups, tape, and elbow macaroni. Plus, the kid got an A. An incredible performance!

 

Minivan Carpool Marathon-
Elizabeth Humphreys of Elm Grove Oklahoma turned in a record-smashing time of 36 hours 34 minutes of continuous transportation. Total cargo picked up and deposited on time and in good condition: 17 kids, 1 dog, 1 thrift shop card table, 2 Beanie babies, 11 bags of groceries, 2 dry-cleaned shirts, 30 lbs. of soccer equipment, 42 cupcakes, 21 Happy Meals with drinks and 11 school-play costumes. Total miles driven: 8,000. (The half-hour she spent napping in the back of her minivan during her son's soccer game was not deducted from her total time.)

 

Dangerous Thing Quick-Snatch-
The prize in this category was taken by Lynnette Quist of Deerfield California. Lynette was able to leap four piles of dirty laundry in a single bound to quickly grab a pointy-tipped letter opener away from her three-year-old daughter. Wow, her amazing agility and speed averted a possible " you'll put your eye out with that" disaster.

 

Story Repetition Read-Off-
First place honors go to Angela Dixon of Tarrantville Louisiana for successfully reading Go Dog, Go aloud 25 times back- to-back, infusing the story with vocal excitement during each rendition --without skipping pages.

 

The rest of the competition was cancelled because everyone had to go home to cook dinner. All competitors received cents-off coupons for hair coloring and wrinkle cream.

Be sure to join us next year for The Mommy Olympics! You have every day of the coming year for rigorous, intensive training!

                                                                                 
Celebrating The

Winter Olympics

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Helpful Olympic Links:

 

Meet the US team & read their bios.

These are the stars to watch.

Test your knowledge of Olympic events.

 


Samurai Olympics


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It was the 1800's in Japan. The Emperor was greatly concerned about the quality of his warriors. To insure peek performance he decided to have a nation-wide contest to find the best samurai in Japan.

 

The competition was furious, but finally it came down to just three. The final contestants were brought into a room with a judge, a table and a small silk covered box. The three samurai were brought in and the judge indicated which one would go first.

When the first was ready, the judge opened the lid on the silk covered box, and a fly flew out. With a quick arc of his sword the fly was cut cleanly in half. With the pressure on, the second man prepared himself, and upon release, severed the fly into four quarters.

Sweating profusely the third man positioned himself, and upon release, swung a quick arc, and the fly landed on the wall and proceeded to throb up and down. The judge said he was sorry, but he lost the competition.

The samurai bowed to the judge and said, "fly fly away, but fly will no longer talk...no tongue!".

 

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Winners
of the Brainless Olympics!

 

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

 

 


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